Do You Lose Yourself In Love? How to Unravel the #1 Relationship Myth
By Lenora Boyle There are many myths that underminerelationships, but one of the most common is thebelief that “I am responsible for other people’shappiness.” This pattern is so common as to bealmost primal. You can hardly find a person whodoes not act this out to some degree. In moderation, this belief supports the give andtake of healthy relationships. But in moreextreme expressions, those who believe they areresponsible for other people’s happiness canbecome people pleasers, weighed down by a goalthey can never attain. For who can control thereactions of others? Pleasers often make their own needs and desiressecondary to everyone else’s. Believing theiractions are loving and kind, they may not seethat much of their energy is devoted to winningapproval. This is why people pleasing often underminesrather than nourishes a relationship. Healthyrelationships thrive when each person is comingfrom honesty, a balance of caring for self andothers, and integrity with oneself. Claire’s Aha: Let’s take a closer look at thismyth at work in an excerpt from an Optiondialogue I had with a client I’ll call Claire Claire came to me feeling very frustrated thatshe couldn’t please her boyfriend. (Note: I’veleft out a number of questions and details fromour hour session for the sake of brevity.) Claire: I try this, I try that. No matter what Ido, Rodney never seems satisfied or happy.Nothing I do is ever enough! Q: Do you believe you can make Rodney happy? A: Yes, I think I should be able to. I try to dowhat he wants-I avoid disagreements with him, Iwatch the movies he wants to see, we go out withhis friends, I dress the way he wants. But he’snever satisfied. Q: Why do you believe you can make him happy? A: Because if I don’t make him happy, he’ll leaveme. Q: Do you know if that’s true? A: I believe that it’s true. Q: Why do you believe that? A: Because he gets upset if I don’t do everythinghe wants to do. Q: What might you be concerned would happen ifyou didn’t believe he’d leave you? A: I think I’d do what I wanted, and then he’dreally get mad. Q: Would it be okay to do what you wantsometimes, even if he gets mad? A: I’d like to do what I want sometimes, but I’mafraid to risk the relationship. Q: Is it worth it to you to not do what you wantin order to keep the relationship? A: When you put it that way, I’m not sure. Hmm.Maybe my being happy is as important as his beinghappy. Q: Do you believe it could be? A: Yeah… Wow. What a concept! I could befocusing on making myself happy! Q: Would that be okay with you? A: Maybe it would be okay, because right nowneither one of us is happy. Even in this excerpt, you see Claire’s limitingbeliefs start to loosen up and shake free. Shehas been acting from the myth that she isresponsible for Rodney’s happiness and that sheis responsible for keeping them together. In thissession, it occurred to her that she was notputting enough importance on her own happiness. Claire continued to explore this idea and uncovermore insights in subsequent sessions. And, at thesame time, her actions began to change. More andmore often, she took care of her own needs andexpressed her feelings and opinions to Rodney.One day she reported in amazement that he wasmuch nicer to her now, as she got moreindependent. (However, there are no guaranteesabout how someone will react to ourtransformations.) Tool Kit for Unraveling the Myth If you think you may have the tendency to loseyourself in relationships, look for a belief thatcould be underlying this behavior, such as, “Imust do –, or I won’t be loved,” then askyourself these questions: Do I believe that? Why do I believe that? What seems true about that? What am I concerned might happen if I didn’tbelieve that? (What might happen that I would notlike?) Something you have held as true may reveal itselfto be a myth-not true, and damaging to yourhappiness and your relationships. Keep askingyourself these questions, and more insights willunfold. You’ll know the myth is unraveling whenyou see your actions and reactions change. Whereyour actions were frozen in a self-defeatingpattern, you’ll now discover a flow of optionsand more peace. Ain’t love grand? And let’s include self-love. Lenora specializes in helping people break free from conflicting emotions and self-defeating beliefs, so they can create the life they love. She has been teaching and practicing The Option Method for 16 years. For more information about Lenora’s Workshops, TeleClasses, f-r-e-e newsletter, and personal sessions, visit http://www.ChangeLimitingBeliefs.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lenora_Boyle http://EzineArticles.com/?Do-You-Lose-Yourself-In-Love?-How-to-Unravel-the-1-Relationship-Myth&id=422666 checking fico scores and credit reports daily credit report casual male retail group free credit report indiana consumer rights and yearly free credit reports
